Your Right-Handed Man
August 23, 2011 9:18 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
Since Snappy is so hesistant to start a full-fledged sex advice column, I figure i'll do it.

As many of you know I've been an ardent pracitioner of auto-sexuality for quite some time now; this is a lifestyle choice, NOT because I cant go out and hook up with people. There's tons of ho-bags out there, especially in the gay world, so again I repeat: this is a CHOICE!

I have a degree in Psychology from the prestigious Rutgers University in New Jersey so it's not like i don't know what im talking about, okay? About time I do something worthwhile with my psychology degree.

So bring on the questions!!!! nothing is too vile or base to ask, just ask!!! I ask questions all the time that most people would be too embarrassed to ask.

And it's not like im a virgin or anything, hells duh, i HAVE had sex before! I've also seen thousands of hours of porno in my life of all kinds so I can offer good solid down home advice.

Don't be shy, ask Butterfly!

*rob*

45 comments
August 23, 2011 9:21 PM - BoerumHillScott
Why do chicks think that having a flock of butterflies up their back is sexy?
That would be a serious distraction for me.
#1
August 23, 2011 9:24 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
Tramp Stamps are very popular with many women because men like to jizz on them after they are finishing up. seriously, it's that simple. You've never jizzed on a tramp stamp and LOL'd afterwards? I have. (on a guy)


*rob*

#2
August 23, 2011 9:28 PM - InsertSnappyNameHere
rob, the cooking column is not me.
#3
August 23, 2011 9:31 PM - BoerumHillScott
I get tramp stamps, and like them as long as they are more or less geometric and symmetrical. They make a nice focal point.

I also don't mind something simple on the shoulder.

Something about the chicks' back at the top of this page just seems to busy and off balance.
Edited at August 23, 2011 9:31 PM
#4
August 23, 2011 9:33 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
maybe those aren't really butterflies, but just post-anal poo nuggets? who knows. they some crazy freaks out there. i agree with you, i HATE asymmetrical tattooes!!!

*rob*

Edited at August 23, 2011 9:33 PM
#5
August 23, 2011 9:35 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
not to mention, those butterflies are totally trailer park butterflies to begin with. everyone who is a fan of butterflies KNOWS that. someone was fucking with her, like tattoo artists who fuck with people when they get chinese symbols and words on their bodies. i think you can google translations of porn starts with chinese tramp stamps that say really f'ed up shit.


*rob*

#6
August 23, 2011 9:38 PM - Not_Logged_In
mopar: This is hiliarious. Rob, I was just telling BedStuyMaven that you have been very influential. I think about poo mist quite often now. Any advice about poo mist and long term relationships?
#7
August 23, 2011 9:45 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
quote:
Any advice about poo mist and long term relationships?

whenever i was in relationships I always made sure to poo when I KNEW the other person was going to be outside of the apartment for a few hours, or at least sleeping. while im against one bathroom per person, it does eliminate the problem of poo mist. so it's basically a toss up? for me, since ive never lived anywhere where i had access to more than one toilet technically, i've always scheduled my poops out of respect for others. i think that's common courtesy, even amongst families. the trend these days of two toilets is just gross tho. more on that later my ziti is done

*rob*

Edited at August 23, 2011 9:45 PM
#8
August 23, 2011 9:51 PM - Not_Logged_In
Anonymous: Why did a gay man pick a photo of a woman for his column? Are you sure you're gay?
#9
August 23, 2011 10:00 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
quote:
Why did a gay man pick a photo of a woman for his column? Are you sure you're gay?

it's my advice column and gay men often identify with women. Obviously, you're straight. what a weirdo question MrMsAnonymous! plus im not a fan of gay stereotypes, thus i couldnt even imagine what kind of gay image to show. Do you have a REAL sex question to ask?



*rob*

#10
August 23, 2011 11:47 PM - Donatella
Ok, it is late and I just saw your column *rob*. Here are my questions to you.
Is sex about just having a personal earthquake or is there really possible to have
some kind of connection that endures that comes out of it? Have you ever fallen
in love? Do you think that exciting sex makes you vulnerable? Do sex and friendship
go together?
#11
August 24, 2011 7:39 AM - GortFromPlanetX
LOL!!!
I'm laughing because snappy has to keep telling you that she is not the one posting the articles! :D

What time will the Dr. be in???
#12
August 24, 2011 8:51 AM - Biff Champion
Dear gay smurf hoodlum,

Why is it that some people seem to show a preference for a certain demographic when it comes to sex, such as Latinos, Blacks or even hot Asian women?

Thanking you in advance
Edited at August 24, 2011 8:51 AM
#13
August 24, 2011 9:28 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
quote:
Is sex about just having a personal earthquake or is there really possible to have
some kind of connection that endures that comes out of it?

of course it's POSSIBLE. for women there's about a 40% chance of an emotional connection that could emerge from a sexual encounter, for straight men about 25% chance and for gay men that chance drops down to a whoppingly low statistic of about 3%.


quote:
Have you ever fallen in love?

sure! hundreds of times!



quote:
Do you think that exciting sex makes you vulnerable?
-i dont understand this question. vulnerable to what? disease? then yeah i guess


quote:
Do sex and friendship go together?
-like friends with benefits? i can honestly say ive never wanted to have sex with any friend ive ever had. ew


quote:
Why is it that some people seem to show a preference for a certain demographic when it comes to sex, such as Latinos, Blacks or even hot Asian women?

our propensity toward a certain ethnicity or "type" usually is formed by the time we are 5 years old. im a bit of a freudian when it comes to this kinda stuff. part of my idolization of strong black women, while not overtly sexual of course but rather metasexual was stems from a strong black baby sitter i had as a child. the first one was Princess a blind black labrador mutt who slept with me in crib. after that was a strong black human female named Cookie. those were two of the strongest female influences in my life which has caused me to be the man i am today. please not there is a difference between having a type and having a fetishized type. i really dont know anything about fetishes other than most people who have them are just flat out perverts. no deep psychological assessment needed.

*rob*

#14
August 24, 2011 9:38 AM - dibs
Dear Dr. hoodlum,

I'm thinking of experimenting with infantilism; dressing/acting/being treated as a baby. Do you think i might meet others into this sort of thing at Monteros or the PS Food Coop???

Yours truly,

Crib lover
Edited at August 24, 2011 9:38 AM
#15
August 24, 2011 9:39 AM - DeLepp
rob, you are a gem!
#16
August 24, 2011 9:42 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
dave please dont pollute my thread.

*rob*

Edited at August 24, 2011 9:42 AM
#17
August 24, 2011 9:45 AM - GortFromPlanetX
GAAAAAAAk!!!

I'm going to have a very hard time removing that image from my head!
#18
August 24, 2011 9:46 AM - Biff Champion
Thank you Dr. Hoodlum.

This is a bit uncomfortable to ask at this time, but do you accept United Healthcare - Oxford? And do I need to cover the co-pay?
Edited at August 24, 2011 9:46 AM
#19
August 24, 2011 9:46 AM - CGar
dave, that picture is truly revolting!
#20
August 24, 2011 9:49 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
quote:
This is a bit uncomfortable to ask at this time, but do you accept United Healthcare - Oxford? And do I need to cover the co-pay?


this is a boutique clinic. we can't be asked to deal with cumbersome insurance companies. also no government programs accepted (medicaid, medicare, etc) Planned Parenthood is right down the block for that shit.

*rob*

#21
August 24, 2011 9:49 AM - Biff Champion
Another question...I'm a bit of a germaphobe. Your virtual patient couch doesn't have bedbugs, does it?

I did notice it was a bit sticky. I assume it is either grape jelly residue or DIBS had an appointment before I did.
Edited at August 24, 2011 9:49 AM
#22
August 24, 2011 9:52 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
and please make sure to see Candi up front for payment (cash only).

*rob*
#23
August 24, 2011 9:52 AM - dibs
What is your hourly fee??
#24
August 24, 2011 9:52 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
.
Edited at August 24, 2011 9:52 AM
#25
August 24, 2011 9:54 AM - Biff Champion
I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMICD3aMZpw
#26
August 24, 2011 9:56 AM - Biff Champion
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Oops, sorry. Wrong column...
Edited at August 24, 2011 9:55 AM
#27
August 24, 2011 9:56 AM - gay smurf hoodlum
no Bedbug biff as everyone is required to shake their bodies before entering the clinic.

*rob*

#28
August 24, 2011 9:58 AM - Biff Champion
Rob, like this?


#29
August 24, 2011 11:19 AM - Biff Champion
Thread Killah
#30
August 24, 2011 2:23 PM - denton
"strong black human female named Cookie. those were two of the strongest female influences in my life which has caused me to be the man i am today. "

Lordy, heaven help all strong black females who read this and know rob.
#31
August 24, 2011 4:37 PM - petebklyn
since you claim to be 'an ardent practitioner of auto-sexuality' could you please give us a live demonstration of proper technique of auto-asphixiaton?
#32
August 24, 2011 5:40 PM - Donatella
Oh, doctor, I was in Bryant Park today, trying to get an internet connection, drinking coffee and eating something
fattening and an umbrella almost fell on a guy near me who was drinking coffee. The wind blew it over. Then I decided that I really didn't need to get a concussion from a flying umbrella so I picked up my stuff and tried to find another table.
The guy who got hit found another table and when he saw me, he said I could sit at his table.

I didn't know this meant that I would be the recepient of his invitations to go out with him. He told
me that he was "honored" that I was sitting with him and talking to him. (I was just looking for a flat
surface for my computer and an internet connection). He was youngish and told me that he likes women
with more experience in life than him.

He was also covered in coffee. What would you have done?

Edited at August 24, 2011 5:40 PM
#33
August 24, 2011 6:47 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
quote:
He was youngish and told me that he likes women
with more experience in life than him. He was also covered in coffee. What would you have done?

Did you find him attractive? was there an psychic spark between the two of you? If not I would have politely asked him to use another table if he could and that youd prefer the table to yourself. However, if you were near a coffee shop and since he spilled his coffee you could have said with a pretty smile, why i think you should get yourself another coffee and of COURSE you can sit her darling.. would you mind picking me up a coffee while youre there as well? if he was interested in you (which it seems he was) you would have gotten a free coffee out of it.

a lot of women think it's demeaning and shameful to just go up to a man and ask him to buy you a drink. i think it's powerful and assertive yet at the same shows you have a vulnerable side that likes to be taken care of.

like Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes used to say (RIP LISA!!!) "I aint 2 proud 2 beg!"


*rob*

#34
August 24, 2011 11:01 PM - Donatella
Oh, rob, I am so glad I asked you. That would have been perfect. The only thing is he didn't appear to
be playing with a full deck, but I DID kind of like that it happened. Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes? I clearly need to
do some googling.
#35
August 25, 2011 9:39 AM - jessibaby
Didnt Lisa Left Eye Lopez burn down her boyfriend's house? Or was that Chili?
Dona - Lisa wore a condom over her left eye, hence the name.

Rob, this column is awesome and should get picked up - better than Savage Love for sure.
#36
August 25, 2011 5:08 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
Yes, Left Eye tried to burn down her boyfriend's mansion. he was an NFL player. she got away with it tho. she was only lighting his sneakers in the bathtub or something.

*rob*

#37
August 25, 2011 7:48 PM - Donatella
You have some colorful heros/heroines, *rob*. These days you don't even know if somebody
is going to buy you dinner if they ask you out. I am not a "taker"; I always try to find ways to
recripocate but some guys actually expect to split the tab. In the beginning, that is no good.
You ask me, you should pay, don't you think? That is the old-fashioned way anyway. Then what
I do is buy tickets, good dinner, do all kinds of things so that the burden doesn't fall on the guy but
I hate it when they ask you out and expect you to pay. Next.
#38
August 26, 2011 7:17 AM - jessibaby
DonaT - agreed. The guy should pay on the first date for the big ticket item. I'll grab the drinks after dinner or the popcorn for the movie.

What do u think, b-fly?
#39
August 26, 2011 8:36 PM - gay smurf hoodlum
first off, i wanna say, this is not exactly a SEX columb. i dont think i should be giving advice about SEX (the eh eh uh uh eh eh uh uh [that's what the chick who used to live upstairs sounded like when she used to get pounded]).

my advice is HOLISTIC. please dont confuse that with cheesy shit like artisinal, organic, etc. Holistic extends way back many centuries when it comes to the human psyche. Many of you know I am a psychic. a psychic? no, i just tap into what's there, psychically and not physically.

Let's say there were two choices, tap into that vagina/ass or tap into that mind? i opt for the mind. why? because the mind is not a physical thing, it transcends SO much. the ass and the vagina are two cavities that filled with nasty stuff like E coli and a gazillion other diseases. I tap into your mind, NOT your pussy/ass.

anyway, Hurrican Special today, my services are FREE (see that is what would happen if we ONLY had Boutique healthcare, but let's not talk about politics i hate politics)

DONNA:
You ask me, you should pay, don't you think? That is the old-fashioned way anyway. Then what
I do is buy tickets, good dinner, do all kinds of things so that the burden doesn't fall on the guy but
I hate it when they ask you out and expect you to pay. Next.

sounds like youre either going out with scrubs or your a scrub yourself in sheeps clothing. when people offer you something, you say yes thank you. you dont say no. im a scrub myself and whenever i offer to buy people drinks they refuse thinking my welfare check hasnt come in the mail or something. it's like um, if im offering to buy you a drink it means i CAN BUY YOU A DRINK! when people refuse it's sorta hurtful in a weird kinda way. understandable if it's strangers, but if it's someone that knows you what happens when they wont let you buy them a drink, your pride is sorta on the floor. so i always say, when someone offers you something for free you TAKE it. people always say "there's nothing free in life" BULLSHIT! there's a ton of free shit out there but a lot of people grew up thinking that a handout is a handout and something akin to welfare. not the case! i always have my friends backs when i have money and vice versa.

if you are on a blind date just use the omfg i brought my mugger wallet and not my REAL wallet! you have no money on you but like a 10 dollar bill and be like wow im sorry but how could i be SO dumb!?!? this is why i dont go out on dates cuz most of the time i dont even have enough cash for a mugger wallet but whatever. donna you are an amazing person, i always love hanging out with you and sadly those tarot cards got all busted up in a very tumultuous experience at a party :( i need a new deck.


Jessi:
quote:
I'll grab the drinks after dinner or the popcorn for the movie.

and someone is gonna cut a hole at the bottom of the popcorn container, stick his penis up it, get all buttered up, and completely expect a hand job in the middle of a movie. this happened to me once. i was like OMFG are you serious? you just stuck your hardon thru the popcorn!? like literally i reached in for some popcorn and there was a hard dick in the popcorn. i was like ew, gross, not my scene and excused myself and said i had to go out on a smoke break and i never went back.

*rob*

Edited at August 26, 2011 8:36 PM
#40
August 26, 2011 11:26 PM - Donatella
Oh rob, maybe I didn't ask my question clearly. I think if a guy asks you out they should pay. I always accept. But I always do nice stuff like cook a nice dinner or buy tickets to something good...

ROFLMAO... the popcorn story. Now there's a surprise. I guess he was surprised when you didn't come back.

So you will provide holistic couseling services for the hurricane????? GOOD!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you get your supplies!!!!!
Edited at August 26, 2011 11:26 PM
#41
August 26, 2011 11:28 PM - Donatella
You need another set, *rob*. I mean Tarot cards. I think this is a talent of yours.....
Edited at August 26, 2011 11:28 PM
#42
August 26, 2011 11:30 PM - Donatella
*rob* I was just thinking about a box of cracker jacks with the surprise in it. hahahahaaa...........
Edited at August 26, 2011 11:30 PM
#43
August 27, 2011 5:51 PM - Not_Logged_In
Anonymous this time...: Dear Dr. Rob, my first post disappeared in the fake hurricane, so here goes again. Please do not think this is a joke because it is not. Here is my question and predicament. I hired a guy to do some organizing things in my house. One reason is because he can do this, and another because he is gay and I figured he would not get attracted to me (a female). After many hours of working together, boom there was the attraction (from him). I realized we couldn't work together any more. I feel like I lost a friend, and being around him is uncomfortable now. Do gays ever get attracted to straight women? This is mind-boggling to me how it could have happened. He is somewhat angry at me (because of the subtle "no".) I might like him, but he is too young for me and obvious other things. And I don't have any time or emotions to waste on wrong entanglements. Perhaps we could be friends again at some time in the future, but I'd like to know how a gay guy would be attracted to a woman. What do you think, Dr. Rob? How does tis happen? I forgot to write that we worked together exceptionally well. Perhaps that is what caused a problem. Needless to say, this is confusing to me and women usually like to understand things. Oh and for several reasons, I am not going to talk to him about this. He is in my social circle and has been a great friend. Thanks, Dr. Rob.



#44
August 30, 2011 12:05 PM - GortFromPlanetX
Where is the Doctor?
Edited at August 30, 2011 12:05 PM
#45